i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
