Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work