I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
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Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?