i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?