I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
