i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
