I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
It's shark week go big or go home
Randomize
