I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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