if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
