Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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