So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
