I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Randomize
