I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
