he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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