Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
