last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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