The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
