The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
