He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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