i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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