and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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