So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
