dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
