So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
