awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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