I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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