I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
