just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
