I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
