I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
