That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
