When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Bring me that man meat
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just puked most of my soul out..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
