You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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