I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
