my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Still dying that you shit outside
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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