Having a random hookup so left but love u
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
