I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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