he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
