Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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