Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
