No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
