Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
