My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
