omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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