i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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