I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
