I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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