drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
