look no pants
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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