i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
