I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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