Cold hands, warm shart.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
