God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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