Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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