Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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