I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
