I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
