The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
