i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
