He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
