just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
