sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
