I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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