walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
