Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
