Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
