At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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